I have not been down this grove of trees in the last
four months. But today as I tread along this path, I can feel some nostalgia
hitting me .I wonder what it is that could possibly have created memories on
this road; I hardly use it; my work and life do not revolve around this route,
yet, some things were created along this trail.
***
It is all coming back. I can feel my resolve and the
determination to get to my destination, to realize my ambitions. These memories
are embedded deep in me; I can see what I felt then. I know how to trudge along
murky waters because I walked in them at that time. I did not know what
tomorrow would bring, I couldn't bring myself to think about it; all I knew was
the journey that I was now on. I beat myself hard, and I kept moving. I could
not allow myself to think that I was tired, or even feel fatigue; that would
distract me. It is not how I felt, it was about what I was focusing on. I had
to pay bills, had to save some money for tomorrow, and also have some left for
an unexpected occurrence. Bigger than them all, I had strived to live a life
that would bring meaning to what life was about. I did not just want to pay
bills, but I wanted to be able to live a
life that I had only idealized, a life of purpose that would take away
the desolateness that would viciously attack interminably.
***
The other day I heard the story of the famous
televangelist who received a prophecy that she had the gift of healing. For
three years she prayed for sick people across continents .Not a single person
got healed. After three years of steadfastness, it started happening! People
were getting healed. Needless to say, she rose to become one of the
distinguished preachers in history. I
was awed and amazed that she had such strength to persevere and persist though
she could see no results. How I wished that I had the same kind of tenacity,
such doggedness for my aspirations. It was food for thought for some time.
***
Further down the groove of trees, my line of thoughts
is building up, and I find myself nodding. Only a few days ago, I had been
disturbed by my seeming lack of purpose. I had looked with awe and amazement at
the determination of the preacher to reach to what she had been called to do. I
had looked at myself and wished that I had such zeal. What a moment when I
turned on the truth! I had diligence, I was resolute. I did not have to wish
for what I had seen someone else do. I was on the same path too. How I had been
blinded by present circumstances.
The truth was too much at the time, and I had to sit
down and reflect. I was on the right track. I had not lost the fight, but I was
still carrying on. At the time of doing the mundane things, I did not think
that I was doing any service to myself. I simply knew that this was how it was
done. I did what I had to do. I beat myself hard and was relentless because I had
to attain what I believed was a good goal. I did not have to think myself
different anymore, someone who was simply unable to reach her goals, it is the
little things that matter, the resolve was certainly there. I had it all
within, and could only continue with the journey that I had begun.
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